


Memories

by nasungs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Car Accidents, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Death, Drinking, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, How Do I Tag, Kinda, M/M, Memories, Mentions of Alcoholic Tendencies, Platonic!!, description of death, jaemin's mum sucks, like i can't stress that enough they don't like eachother they are friends, nahyuck best friends, read at your own risk ok it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26116558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nasungs/pseuds/nasungs
Summary: “Thank you,” he whispered softly.“For what?” Hyuck asked, turning to face Jaemin.“For being here. Always. No matter what time or what day, you’re always here. Always with me.” Jaemin cast his eyes down, feeling the gratitude he had for his best friend hit him.Hyuck smiled, reaching out to tilt Jaemin’s head up until their eyes met, and he whispered back. “And I always will be.”---------------------------It's the anniversary of that day, and Jaemin can't ignore his grief any longer.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 18





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE BE WARNED!!! MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH AND LOSS OF BEST FRIEND, GRIEF AND MOURNING, MENTIONS OF ALCOHOLISM AND VERBAL ABUSE FROM PARENT/GUARDIAN!!!! Stay safe everyone and enjoy :)
> 
> _italics mean flashbacks/memories_

_Jaemin lay on his back, staring up at the glow in the dark stickers that were aging on his ceiling. He'd put them up with Donghyuck when they were 7 years old, after his best friend’s mum had bought them for Jaemin’s birthday. Next to him, Donghyuck was lying in the same position, their heads parallel to each other as Hyuck talked Jaemin’s ear off like usual. He was going on and on about their senior year, and all the great things they were going to accomplish together. Jaemin just smiled amusedly at his best friend, laughing when he did a very enthusiastic mime of their future selves crossing the finish line of the athletics carnival sprints together._

_“I’m not kidding, Jaem, you’ll fall flat on your ass.” Donghyuck was saying in a very serious tone as Jaemin coiled up in laughter. “Don’t you remember third grade? You were so caught up in the fact that you were about to overtake first place, you didn’t see the giant clump of grass in your lane until you were eating a face full of it.” Donghyuck cackled, clearly amused by the memory._

_“Hey! You’re not actually **meant** to look at the ground when you run. 101 on how to eat a face full of grass even without a sneaky bunch of weeds in your way.” Jaemin grumbled. “and at least I finished the race!”_

_“You came last.” Donghyuck deadpanned._

_“That’s first backwards.” Jaemin smirked as Hyuck threw a pillow into his face, the pair of them laughing at the memory of their third-grade selves._

_Slowly, their laughter died down, and Jaemin turned on his side to face Hyuck. “Thank you.” he whispered softly._

_“For what?” Hyuck asked, turning to face Jaemin._

_“For being here. Always. No matter what time or what day, you’re always here. Always with me.” Jaemin cast his eyes down, feeling the gratitude he had for his best friend hit him._

_Hyuck smiled, reaching out to tilt Jaemin’s head up until their eyes met, and he whispered back. “And I always will be.”_

\---------------------------------------------------------

Darkness. That was all Jaemin saw. All he felt. The floor was cold and hard underneath him, the single light source in the room coming from the torch he held in his hand. He could handle the dark. It was the silence that was suffocating him. Searching for a way out of his pain, He’d turned to the only source of comfort in his life. The photo album that sat on the floor in front of him was full of photos. Photos of him. Of them. It was a present from Donghyuck’s mother, although she’d always felt more like Jaemin’s mother than his own anyway. She thought it would help ground him. The truth was, Jaemin hadn’t opened the book since he was given it. Hadn’t even touched it. 

He stared at the cover of the book. _‘Moments and Memories’_ , that’s what it said. And that’s exactly what it was, he discovered, as he slowly forced himself to flip the book open to the first page. 

The air rushed out of him like he’d been hit in the stomach as he stared at the smiling face of Lee Donghyuck. It was a selfie the both of them had taken on the first day of the December holidays, just a year ago. It was a humid day, and Jaemin had been more than ready to take a nap in the afternoon breeze. Donghyuck, of course, had other plans. He’d been completely stubborn as usual, forcing Jaemin to take photos of him from every angle imaginable, claiming he needed a ‘first day of summer break’ picture for his feed. Even then, he wasn’t satisfied until he’d gotten a selfie with his best friend. Jaemin’s lips unconsciously formed a small smile as he stared at the picture, Donghyuck staring back up at him, his smile ten times as bright. The rest of the book was filled to the brim of old photos. Donghyuck’s 8th birthday party, Jaemin’s first basketball game, their first day of high school, slumber parties and movie binges. Even Jaemin’s 15th birthday was in there, much to his dismay - that photo set ended in a very unfortunate picture, which included a disgruntled Jaemin with frosting covering every inch of his face with Donghyuck doubled over laughing beside him.

As he reached the last photo of the book, Jaemin froze. His calm composure completely shattered as he took in the smiling faces of himself and Donghyuck, standing outside the gates of their high school. Their first day of senior year.

_Donghyuck waved his mum goodbye, smiling widely as he turned to face the school gates behind him. Jaemin took a deep breath, attempting to steady himself and ignore the annoyingly persistent shaking in his hands, and hide his nerves from the boy standing next to him. It was a foolish thing to try and do really. Because try as hard as he might, Jaemin was an open book when it came to Lee Donghyuck._

_Without a word, Hyuck reached out and interlocked his fingers with Jaemin’s, looking over to hold Jaemin’s gaze. Eyes searching, it felt like Hyuck was staring straight through Jaemin’s eyes and into his soul, looking for any signs of darkness. Only when he was satisfied did he smile, a mischievous tone to his voice as he asked “Are you ready?”_

_“No.” Jaemin deadpanned, wiping sweat off his free hand._

_“Well, too bad.” Hyuck said, almost too enthusiastically as he marched forward, dragging Jaemin after him. Stuck in his vice grip, Jaemin had no choice but to stumble after his best friend. “Because as long as I’m around, you won’t have much of a say in anything.”_

_Jaemin faltered, tugging on Hyuck’s hand until he was forced to stop as well. “What do you mean, ‘as long as I’m around?’”. Jaemin remarked, his face twisted into a look of pure concern as he stared at his friend as if he were about to disappear into thin air._

_Hyuck laughed at the look on Jaemin’s face. “Stop taking everything so **literally**.” he scoffed, still smiling. But Jaemin didn’t let up, increasing his grip on Donghyuck’s hand. With a sigh, Hyuck stepped closer. “Hey. I’m not going anywhere, Jaem.” his voice was soft, his eyes filled with empathy, giving Jaemin’s hand a slight squeeze. “We’ll be best friends until the day we die.” _

_Jaemin looked straight into Donghyuck’s eyes, searching them. There, he saw the spark of excitement for the next year, the light of a thousand worlds all bottled up behind two brown orbs. He saw the truth behind the words spoken, and he saw the love Hyuck held for him. A smile of defeat reached Jaemin’s lips when Hyuck leaned forward to bump their shoulders together with a jolt. “You’re stuck with me, Jaemin, whether you like it or not.”_

_Jaemin smirked at the challenge. “And what if I don’t like it?”_

_“What, you don’t love all this?” Hyuck scoffed mockingly as he gestured to himself. And then with one final smile, he was running, pulling Jaemin forward once more until he was forced to follow the tug of his hand through the open school gates, laughing along with his best friend. And Jaemin thought he could get through anything as long as he had Lee Donghyuck by his side._

Jaemin slammed the photo album shut with a snap, taking in deep haggard breaths as he felt himself start to lose control of his suffocating emotions. And the silence, the fucking silence. It was overwhelming him to the point of no return, a very prominent lack of laughter leaving his ears ringing with the mocking quiet that surrounded him. Like flicking on an internal switch, Jaemin felt himself snap. At what, he wasn’t sure, all he knew was that he was ripping the photo album back over and destroying page after page of happy memories. Memories that Jaemin felt only existed to ridicule him, a defiant reminder of everything he used to have before it was ripped out of his grasp. 

He felt his rage overcome him as he tore through the photos, leaving a mess of plastic and paper on the floor where he sat. Tears blurred his vision as he saw the flashes of his friend before his eyes, snapping himself back to reality with a scream as he threw the book as far away as possible, leaving it to smack into the wall opposite him. 

Desperately reaching for anything with the capability to help reground himself, Jaemin scrambled for the closest pillow and muffled his screams into it. He doubled over with his head between his legs as sobs racked his defeated form. But even his screams couldn’t drown out the empty silence that filled his bedroom. Forcing himself to stand, Jaemin reached for his jacket and pulled it over his shoulders, picking up the bouquet of orange flowers he’d bought that morning. Glancing back at the wall opposite, he observed the dent where the album had collided with it. Walking over, Jaemin looked down at the last surviving photo hanging out of the ruined book. Tears pricked behind his eyes, a tingling sensation spreading through his nostrils like he’d been punched in the face as he reached down to pick it up. Without a second thought, he ripped the photo clean in two, letting the halves fall to the floor. The clear divide left between his picture self and picture Donghyuck burned itself into his memory as Jaemin dislodged the fly screen of his window and heaved himself over the ledge. Jumping into the tree outside his bedroom and down into the street below, Jaemin had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get away from that house of memories. Away from the deafening silence still ringing in his ears. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

Jaemin was so lost in his head, he didn’t realise he was walking towards the park just down the road from his house until he was standing right in front of it. This park, it held so many memories, even more than his house. Exhaling, Jaemin walked shakily through the archway of flowers and into the park. 

This was their park. It was where they would come after a long day at school, to hang out on weekends, in every spare moment they had. It was where they skipped school to nap in the sun and where they would hide out in the storm drains when Jaemin’s mum was on one of her drinking binges. No matter what, they would always end up here. And now, Jaemin was alone, in the one place they were always together. And everywhere Jaemin looked, he could see memories of him.

_Jaemin and Hyuck were lying on a giant checkered blanket spread out on the grass, the sun gleaming above them. Jaemin had his laptop open in front of him, staring at the psychology paper in front of him. Donghyuck was much less productive, opting to take a nap in the sun, a book covering his face to shield the sun._

_“Don’t you think you should be using this opportunity to catch up on your schoolwork while you have the chance?” Jaemin glanced over the top of his laptop screen, fingers still typing._

_“I am! See my book is wide open.” His rebuttal was muffled, making Jaemin smile._

_“We don’t skip school to do nothing with our lives.” Jaemin mused as Donghyuck sat up to glare at him._

_“No, Jaem, that is **exactly** why we skip school.” Donghyuck was still glaring at his now chuckling friend. “Or at least, that’s why NORMAL people skip.” he muttered under his breath, lying back down and covering his face with his copy of Macbeth. _

He walked down the path that ran straight through the park. As he passed the playground equipment, the spring riders brought forward a memory of Hyuck overestimating how much weight the toddler's toy could take and consequently flying face-first into the bark. The giant Oak that marked the halfway point to the bridge showed him the memory of 11-year-old Donghyuck climbing higher and higher up the aged branches as Jaemin begged him to come back down. The basketball court just left of the path reminded him of his day’s practicing for the Trimester Tournaments, Donghyuck sitting at the bottom of the hoop with his juice box and hitting back the ball as it fell through the hoop. 

He sucked in a deep breath and fought a fresh wave of emotions as they washed over him. His eyes lingered on the bridge in front of him before he spun on his heel and walked towards the play equipment, turning his back on the storm drain. 

Weariness overcame his senses as he reached out to grab the rope of the swing before him, the memory of Donghyuck almost suffocating.

_Jaemin sat on the edge of the giant rope swing, watching as his legs slowly rocked backwards and forwards with the momentum. It was one in the morning, and he knew he had no business being out so late, but it wasn’t like home felt any safer. His mum had gone into another drinking episode, and she had thrown a bunch of particularly hurtful insults at Jaemin’s face just hours before. He fought back the prick of tears behind his eyes as he focused on his swaying feet._

_“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” Jaemin whipped his head around to meet Hyuck, smiling sadly as his best friend approached the swing and used its momentum to sit back on the netting. He wrapped his arms around Jaemin’s waist and pulled him into his body. Jaemin sighed as he settled into his arms, his body warm and comforting against him. Donghyuck always gave the best hugs. Jaemin let the comforting silence envelop him. Somehow, Hyuck knew that no words had to be spoken. But he shouldn’t be surprised, Donghyuck always knew._

_After a long while, Hyuck pulled back from Jaemin to look at him, the old mischievous glint returning to his eyes. “Right.” he said as he jumped off the now stationary swing. “It’s time to make this baby fly.” Jaemin narrowed his eyes in confusion, but understood only a second later when Hyuck grabbed a firm hold on the bottom of the swing and ran backwards as far as he could. Jaemin had just enough time to secure himself before Hyuck let go, sending the swing flying through the air as Jaemin’s screams filled the night. Hyuck gave two more pushes before he took a flying jump, landing stomach first onto the swing like a very unfortunate belly flop, winding him completely and sending him sideways with the motion, jarring the swing in the process. Jaemin laughed, true happiness radiating from him as he watched his friend struggle to remain on the swing. Jaemin never felt as happy as when he was with Hyuck. There was no one else in the world who could make him laugh the same way, who could make him feel so genuinely happy. Even in the worst situations._

Jaemin flinched back from the swing instinctively, recoiling his hand like the rope had burned him. He turned his back on the swing and the memory it brought him, taking a heaving breath. He shook his hands out at his sides in a weak attempt to fight off the anxiety he could feel building in his chest, bringing one hand up to his mouth to cover a sob that was trying to break free. He was so caught up in fighting his emotions that he didn’t hear the footsteps approaching behind him. Or maybe there weren’t any footsteps at all. A hand on his shoulder made him jump, spinning around and stumbling backwards. The sight of the person before him almost made him trip over his own feet. 

Because Lee Donghyuck was standing right in front of him. He was wearing the same outfit he’d been wearing that day, only a month into their senior year, except it was void of all colour. And he was smiling. Smiling at Jaemin. It was a soft, sad smile. An understanding smile. Like he knew Jaemin’s pain. He probably did. Hyuck always knew. Always understood. It was one of the reasons Jaemin trusted him. Loved him. 

Jaemin took another step backwards, shaking his head. Slowly at first, then faster, stumbling down the small hill behind him. This wasn’t possible. There was no fucking way that Lee Donghyuck could be standing in front of him right now, that he could be following him down this hill. No _fucking_ way. 

Without a second thought, Jaemin turned, bolting across the grass and towards the bridge that crossed the storm drain. All Jaemin could do was keep running, giving all he could to put as much distance between him and whoever that was standing by the swings. His vision blurred as he reached the start of the bridge, blinking back into focus as he pushed on, never losing speed, never looking back. He ran, and ran, and ran. He was so determined to get away from the vision of his best friend that he didn’t notice where he was running to. Not until it was too late. 

Stopping only when he thought he’d put enough distance between him and the Donghyuck who _should not exist_ , Jaemin buckled over, rasping air into his lungs. Regulating his breathing, he moved his head to look over his shoulder wondering _what in the fucking world was going on_ when he froze. Because as he stared at the street sign directly opposite, he realised exactly where he was. And what had happened there. 

_“Jaem! Get your ass up here!” Jaemin looked up from where he was picking the petals off a stray flower he’d found lying on the concrete of the drain, dropping them one by one into the water. He sat for a moment longer, watching the slow stream carry the last of the orange petals away. He scrambled up the incline of the hill to where Donghyuck was standing by the side of the road. When he saw Jaemin’s head appear over the edge of the hill, he smiled wider. Then, he turned and ran across the road. His eyes were still locked on Jaemin, so he didn’t see the car as it sped directly towards him. But Jaemin saw it. He saw it clear as day. Saw as the speeding car didn't have enough time to stop, even as it slammed its brakes. Saw as Donghyuck ran directly into its path, his smile still bright as ever, eyes still locked on Jaemin. Saw, as the car collided straight into his side, and saw as Donghyuck’s head slammed straight into the hard rubble underneath him._

_“DONGHYUCK!” Jaemin felt the word rip his throat apart as he screamed. Even as he watched the light leave his best friend’s eyes, he screamed and screamed and screamed. But it was no use. Donghyuck couldn’t hear him, **wouldn’t** hear him. And he never would._

_As the smile he had directed at Jaemin fell from his face, Jaemin knew that Lee Donghyuck would never smile again._

Jaemin felt the ground fall from underneath him as he landed on the sidewalk, eyes fixated on that single spot on the road where Hyuck’s lifeless body once lay. He raised a hand to his mouth, shaking his head furiously as he scrambled backwards, struggling to his feet and sprinting down the hill towards the storm drain below. Away, away, away. But you can’t escape grief. It will always catch up. 

Falling to his knees in the water, he felt his first tears of the day fall. One after another, Jaemin let go, crying, screaming into the ground. It felt like hours that he knelt in the water, soaking his jeans as he cried and cried and cried. 

It was the rain that brought him out of his thoughts. He tilted his face up to the sky as the water started to pour down on him, cleansing his sadness. As he fell back on his heels, he felt peace wash over him momentarily. He raised his hand up to the heavens, water flowing down his arm as he closed his eyes against the downpour. Maybe this was Donghyuck’s way of saying he was here. He was with Jaemin, just like he had promised. Hyuck was shedding his own tears, but not for himself. For Jaemin. He was crying for his best friend's pain, just like he would if he were here. Jaemin brought his hand back down to his face, wiping a mixture of tears and rain from his cheeks as he felt a new emotion hit him. Rage. 

In an instant he was on his feet, feeling the rain soak his clothes as he kicked at the water, throwing the bouquet that he was still somehow holding. It wasn’t fair. Wasn’t fair that Donghyuck had been ripped away from the world, ripped away from Jaemin. Wasn’t fair that the universe had taken away the one good thing he had. Taken away the life from his best friend’s eyes, extinguishing the light so bright that it could’ve powered the world. Falling back to his knees, Jaemin felt like he was suffocating in his overwhelming despair, fear, anger, anxiety. He threw his jacket off, letting out a strangled scream. Jaemin hit the concrete until his knuckles were bleeding and raw, doing anything to let out a years’ worth of pent up emotion. 

Because Jaemin hadn’t let himself feel like this ever. He’d thought Hyuck would’ve wanted him to be strong. To keep going no matter what, not cry over him. But as he lay back in the water, feeling the rain hit his face, he realised that Hyuck wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer like he had for the past year. All Donghyuck ever wanted was for Jaemin to be happy. He wouldn’t have wanted Jaemin to beat himself up over his death, wouldn’t have wanted him to deny his own grief and put on a brave face for someone who wasn’t even there. He felt himself calm, new tears falling from his eyes. He was frustrated by his inability to stop the tears, but a smile forced its way onto his face as he thought about his friend. 

Forcing himself up as the rain subsided to a drizzle, Jaemin found the discarded bouquet and straightened the flowers. He raised his gaze forward to the bridge that loomed in front of him and slowly started his walk down the now flowing stream of water. When he reached the foundations of the bridge, he smiled, seeing 10-year-old Donghyuck and Jaemin as they first discovered the hideout underneath the bridge where he now stood. 

_The rain had come out of nowhere as the two boys had been playing in the park, unforgiving as it belted from the sky. “Hyuckie! Quick!” Jaemin called to his best friend, who came sprinting down the drain towards the shelter of the bridge. He skidded to a stop directly under the bridge, losing his footing and crashing into the water. Jaemin laughed at his friend, Donghyuck grumbling as he stood, still smiling, nonetheless._

_The pair had spent the next three hours sheltering from the rain and laughing with each other. Scared and cold as Jaemin was, he could never feel truly scared with Donghyuck around. His best friend had always done everything in his power to make him feel safe._

This bridge had become a shelter for Jaemin and Donghyuck, a safe place for almost 9 years. Jaemin scanned the area where they would sit and talk for hours, a smile of his face. And there, in the corner, was a single piece of concrete, propped up against the foundation of the bridge. It was a stray piece of the road Jaemin had managed to snag before it was re-done. On it, he had painted the words:

“Lee Donghyuck  
June 2000 - February 2018  
You always found a way to make others smile.  
I hope you continue to smile as we smile for you”

Jaemin approached the memorial slowly. It was a memorial for Jaemin and Jaemin only. He sat in front of the concrete and placed the flowers on the ground before it, smiling as a single tear fell from his eye, adding to his already soaked cheeks. 

“It’s been one year today Hyuckie.” Jaemin whispered. “I miss you. More than ever.” Jaemin smiled sadly at the words in front of him. “But you already know that, don’t you.” Jaemin chuckled lightly, his eyes fixated on the words written on the slab. “I still smile for you. And I’ll continue to. Every single day. I’ll live for us both, Hyuck. You can count on it.” As Jaemin closed his eyes, he didn’t notice the vision of Donghyuck he’d seen before as it approached the bridge. Donghyuck stared at Jaemin’s slumped figure for a moment, a calculating look in his eyes as he observed his best friend. Then he smiled, the same soft look in his eyes as he nodded his head once, before turning away and walking down the stream, fading into the distance, leaving his best friend behind him. Never to return.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! If you made it this far, thank you for reading? This was my first ao3 fic so I hope I did ok ^_^ I am open to constructive criticism! Don't hold back.
> 
> This is actually inspired by a short film I made around this time last year that I was missing, so I decided to write about the character! It was a music video for the song Storm by Firewoodisland, which I would strongly recommend! 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed, please leave a kudos if you did. You can find me on twitter @nasungs_ :)


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